Former Mormon at Mormon College?!

Join us with Briel Woolley on this week's episode of The Clairity Podcast where we discuss Briel's journey at BYUI AFTER she left the Mormon church!  Not possible you say?  Tune into the full episode to see how Briel woke up to the false narrative of the church, only to go back to a Mormon college, and attempt to navigate life as a Christian without the false traditions of the LDS church. 

In this episode we discuss the topic of who God is, along with how we can interact with people of a religion we are no longer a part of. 

Find Briel on Intsgram @briels.studio 
And find her on Youtube www.youtube.com/@UC82kVFCEtb2zvFxlnBCFD2Q 

Want to share your story on The Clairity Podcast?? Email me at clairity.podcast@gmail.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Hey everybody, and welcome to this week's episode of the Clarity Podcast. This week's guest is Brielle Woolley, and Brielle's 23. She currently resides in Logan, Utah. And I found Brielle originally because she is on Instagram talking about all the same kinds of stuff that we're talking about here on the Clarity Podcast. And I was like, she's got to come on the podcast. So I also have a heart for young single people coming on the podcast because I know what it's like to be a young single person in this place and feeling very alone and wondering if there's anybody that thinks like you. And so um I just thought we'd bring Brielle on here and we'll throw up some examples of her Instagram reels, and let's go ahead and get started. And along that road, we are met with potholes, road bumps, rain, storms. That's a patch just fog.

SPEAKER_04 0:54

But through it all, okay, so welcome to the podcast, Brielle.

SPEAKER_03 1:33

Okay, so let's go ahead and just dive right into it. Tell us about the morbid dynamic of your family when you were being raised LDS.

SPEAKER_01 2:05

Thank you.

SPEAKER_03 2:06

Did you feel like there was a difference in Mormonism in Utah versus other states? Because I know you've been all around.

SPEAKER_02 2:15

Okay, so my family, we were like the moll low-key Molly Mormons, but we wouldn't consider ourselves that, you know, like borderline Molly. And I grew up moving around a lot, and so I experienced the church all across America, and it was really cool to like see how it's all the same and different and different aspects, but that's mostly how it was for me and my family. Definitely in some ways, not all I feel like the teachings were very difficult. Do you feel like it's it's competitive? Like people are just comparing each other more in Utah. East Coast and East Coast were pretty different. Like because of Georgia and the war than other states was very fun. Like the personalities and everything is very fun there. Um, but Utah definitely has its own culture compared to like other places. It's more chill, I feel like, in other states. And then Utah's definitely like more competitive. That's interesting.

SPEAKER_03 3:21

My husband never lived in Utah until now, and he always I'll bring up something that happened most of the church, and he's like, that never happened to me outside of Utah. Like, what in the world? So there's definitely a culture difference, I think. So, what was young women's like for you growing up in the church?

SPEAKER_02 3:37

Probably just because there's so many, so much more members in Utah, and then in other states, there still definitely was that. Just maybe you're not getting it as much because you're not completely surrounded by members all the time.

SPEAKER_01 4:04

Yes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:11

Okay, so I was in California for like half of it, and so they did it very well over there. It was very organized, and they were on top of it. It was a big deal. Like girls camp, it was they had committees for everything, for every activity. They did like fourth-year high adventure, they had awards and stuff, so they went all out, and same with like the dances and everything. And so for young women, it was very fun in a tight-knit community because uh when you live outside of Utah, you try to be friends with you know other members, and so you all kind of have to, there's not as many to pick from, which can be good and can be bad, depending on like the dynamics. But I was always put in the leadership positions wherever I was, so I always helped with all of that. And then you have Utah and everything was way awakening. It was surprising. Even if you didn't see it at the time, but like looking back to Utah and everything's way off. Did you have any moments like that called everything? Like girls' camp was way more relaxed, it wasn't as organized. It was still organized, but they didn't put as much effort into it as like California did. But I think, yeah, I was surprised. That's what I was surprised about. I was like, okay, but it was I feel like the culture generally in young women's was about the same. I feel like not particularly because I just I was very loyal. I was I'm a very loyal girl, and then my family, they I just trusted them so much, I just was like, okay, this is how it is. But I did always have a problem, or like what never really made sense to me was the priesthood growing up. And so when I was living in California, I believe I was 13 or 14, I just didn't understand it. And my dad's giving us all father's blessings, and I just I couldn't wrap my head around it. I was just thinking about it. I'm like, why can't we have like the power of God? Why, why is that only for men? I just didn't understand. And then right before he gave me my blessing, I for some reason, I think it was God being like, don't worry, you'll get this answer. But in my head at the time, it just was an instant understanding, even though I didn't understand. It was kind of weird like that. And then my daddy gives me my blessing, and in the blessing, he says, Heavenly Father, thanks you for your understanding. And I was like, What? Because how did he know to say that? You know? And I think it was more of a don't worry, you'll get your answer, and it's coming. And then I'd say another time was when I was in high school in Utah, and I okay, I was always against going on missions. I don't know why, but I was like, I'm gonna marry a return missionary, but I'm not going on one. And I it just that was for me. I was like, I'm never gonna go.

SPEAKER_03 7:25

But I felt God tell me like swing back around during your story about no, I'm not your mission and also my thoughts on the priest. Okay, trusting the Lord. So let's get into your awakening journey. So I know for you it had 20 years. Very common. So that what was that like for your family and the other? How old were you?

SPEAKER_02 7:44

And when your family first started with I halfway through, a little over halfway through my associates. I moved home and was put through the refining fire there for, and then I counted the months, and it was 18 months that I was there, and I was like, oh my gosh, this is the mission that God was talking about.

SPEAKER_01 8:15

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 8:27

But it was right before COVID, and we're learning all this other stuff about Freemasonry and like deep state and that type of thing. And then my mom, she's a big part of like she's really good at researching, and so she was on this whole research journey and finding all these videos, and um, and I, you know, I was I was 17, so I was more worried about quality of the moves through COVID times about. So she we moved to Oregon and then I moved to Idaho and go to school, and we just call back and forth about our questions and everything, and that's kind of how that started with COVID. And I think when COVID happened, that allowed us to start questioning or take all our stuff off the shelf and be like, wait a second, something's not right here.

SPEAKER_01 9:18

And then we dove deeper into everything.

SPEAKER_02 9:27

Uh, the vaccine, the masks, and I think God put us in organ to see it more clearly because it was definitely more intense there. Uh everything that's wild.

SPEAKER_03 9:39

Like just okay, so the way that we start going on with COVID, and then it was kind of the first thing.

SPEAKER_02 9:46

Kind of take me down the line of see the division that it's cause and the relationships, it's hurt by pushing to be good global citizens, to be to get this vaccine, to wear masks, and it was just not a loving or Christ-like atmosphere at all. It was they were kicking people out of church, kicking people out of seminary.

SPEAKER_01 10:08

It was it was just really bad. Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 10:25

So first, like I said, we were learning about like Freemasonry, and then my mom, she got in contact with a relative who already had woken up to things and was telling her about polygamy and how Joseph Smith never practiced polygamy and all of this, these lies in church history that you're told, and kind of uncovering them all, and um about like Joseph Smith and his death and how it wasn't how everyone thinks. Like we watched the Joseph Who Killed Joseph Smith movie. Um and then we after that, we I think Temples was next. Temples was a big one for me. Um I was I was at BYUI when she was, when my mom and my family were still, I think they were on their way moving to northern Idaho. And I was in this foundations of the restorations class, and we started talking about like polygamy and temples and all that. And so I just call my mom and we bounce things back and forth between those two things. And I left with so many more questions from that class than I ever like with than answers. I like nothing ever made sense. I was and I didn't realize that going out. Because they have answers in your family, are you waking up and looking at those?

SPEAKER_03 11:46

And you're in college doing the same thing.

SPEAKER_02 11:48

And he gave us these two. Did you have like a gut reaction?

SPEAKER_03 11:51

Like when you're questions, like first started with the tournament. Like, wait a second, or were you just like on board? Like, what was your reaction?

SPEAKER_02 12:00

But yeah, and then temples and like garments and baptisms for the dead, and ceilings, and the endowment, and just all the things that you're taught are so important.

SPEAKER_01 12:10

We just started looking into every single one of those. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 12:36

But it's like my soul knew or something, because it just clicked. As soon as my parents started questioning things, it felt like it gave me permission to also question things that never really made sense. Because, you know, you're growing up, you're you're loyal to God, but you kind of put God with the church. And so you're like, okay, I'm loyal to the church and you're in college. But then what realizing to kind of kind of church life? Like, did you talk about stuff? Did you have any friends you talked about these things with? I'm shocked that I was so on board or ready to just question things. I think I just I was ready to learn more, and I felt like growing up, I was always waiting for that more that the church never could give me. And they'd always say, wait till next conference, wait till next conference, and it just never filled that like void I was feeling.

SPEAKER_01 13:27

But yeah. Did that make you feel alone at all? Not really.

SPEAKER_02 13:42

I since it was COVID college, basically, it was right after COVID, everything it was not a very social environment. It was really hard to meet people. And so socially, I only had a few friends I really hung out with. I would talk to, I was there with my older brother and I would try to kind of talk to him about it. Um, but I'd mostly just talk to my mom and my dad and my my family that were in Idaho.

unknown 14:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:11

I feel like at that point, no, because I wasn't, I was just in the questioning thing.

SPEAKER_02 14:18

Like I kind of just became the inactive member. I just like stopped going to church, just would do my own scripture study. And even in that beginning, I was still in it. I was trying to do the best I could do. So I would listen to how many semesters of UI almost every day still, at the very beginning of this. And then the more we got down the line, the more I was like, things aren't adding up. And sometimes I would talk to some friends about certain things because I was still in. So I'd be like, this is this doesn't really make sense to me. And they would agree, or they'd be like, Well, we'll see. I don't know. But most of our my personal awakening be happened once I've been. Sure.

SPEAKER_03 15:00

Okay, so what was your experience like at home? Because now you have to go through another awakening, another layer. What was this next layer?

SPEAKER_02 15:09

I was there for four and and the summer, but I only did three full semesters. And the fourth semester, I just took one class because I was trying to figure everything out, like church-wise, and what I want to do with my major and all that. And so then I just moved home after that because I did couldn't pick a major, basically. And I felt like God told me to, so it was it was it was really hard because it was definitely not the norm for anywhere else, but up there. If you want to build a house, we were up very north, and it's a very small town, and so we were trying to build up there, and we were living at we were living in a house for a little bit, and then we tried, we moved into this fifth wheel. It's really big, it was really nice, but that's the norm up there. While you're building your house, you live in you live in this fifth wheel because there's nowhere to rent, it's so small, and so it was very draining in all the ways because we're working hard, like physically, building this house, building this homestead, and then we're also learning the most spiritually. Refining us from us to where we are now. We were waking up to my siblings, my parents, they were a little less than a lot of people. No one that we were aware of.

SPEAKER_03 16:38

There's a lot of people out here, but not a tiny that we knew of. It was very lonely, especially the single person. I was like, the church is not a hope. But I can't tell me in the middle of nowhere. Basically, what do I do? Just trust him, rely on him, and that's what I really learned. Make him my best friend.

SPEAKER_02 17:38

I we learned, you know, so much about everything, but the biggest thing for me was learning who God is, and that was probably the hardest thing for me to open my mind to, because you know, you're taught the Godhead and every anything else doesn't make sense. And so um, when we were my mom and my younger brother and I, we were driving to Costco, and my mom turns on this video, she's like, let's just hear what he has to say. And it's uh he's this guy, he's talking so lovingly about who God is. It actually felt like I could see it from his perspective. I had no intentions of changing my mind, but I was allowing myself to be open because you know, when the topic of who God is, it can become very contentious. And God doesn't want his name or who he is to be thought over, and he's not gonna be, he's not gonna show himself to you if you're just fighting with other people about it. And after leaving, and after every because everything around me was falling apart, I felt like that who God was was what I had to hold on to because I thought I knew because I've had a relationship with God my whole life. I have plenty of times where he was definitely there. Um, and I like I I feel like I had a really strong relationship with him. So I'm like, this is who God is, I'm holding on to it. And so on this drive, listening to this video, I was just allowing myself to consider it. And so my mom and my brother, they walk inside Costco, and I'm sitting there, I'm like, okay, I'm really gonna see it from his perspective. And that's when God took that opportunity to show himself to me. And it was so it was such a beautiful experience because I saw like everything had this golden glow, and it was like you were putting a magnifying glass to up to something, but I was seeing everything at once, and it was just unlike anything I've ever experienced, and it just took me back and I was all like, oh my gosh, Jesus is God, and it just changed everything for me. And I I realized it was so much easier for me to give myself and devote myself to one God than trying to split it up between the Godhead because it's like, how can you be fully devoted to all of these entities when like it's it's just harder to do that? For me, it felt easier. I'm like, oh, I just felt like my connection to God just grew so much more just in that moment of that realization. And then a few days passed, I didn't really do anything about it because I don't know, you know, people procrastinate. And so then I go to my scriptures, the gospel library app, and I search up all the scriptures I could about who God is. And so first I looked at the Bible and I wasn't so surprised there because you know, people, a lot of people who believe in the Bible believe Jesus is God, but it wasn't super clear to me when I was reading the Bible. And so then I went to the Book of Mormon, and it was actually in Mosiah 15, one thing five really interesting. That tone of spirit just like washed over me and it just really hit me. That Jesus is God because it's my favorite story in the Book of Mormon about this is the brother of Jared because he didn't know what God looked like.

SPEAKER_03 21:00

He didn't know anything about like the being of random birth. But God because he had faith, God showed himself to the brother of Jared. Okay, I think it's that simple and that's what I'm describing in your story is that all we have to do is have the faith that God will reveal himself to us and that he will reveal himself in the way that we understand. And I think as long as that's what we're seeking for, then arguing about the nitty-gritty doesn't matter. It matters that we're seeking personally to know God. And so I love your personal testimony of that, and also just the clarity that Jesus is God, because no one ever says that in the Mormon church.

SPEAKER_01 21:38

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 21:46

Exactly. You're like, but we've never we always say like we believe in the savior, the savior, but what does that mean? Like, what does that mean? You know? So I I love your pure your pure testimony there. So exactly. So let's transition a little bit. Okay, so you woke up to these things, you find out who God is. I know on your Instagram channel you talk about how that built your confidence in even yourself a lot. Can you tell us a little bit about that?

SPEAKER_02 22:12

Like when you say it, they say, Oh, we do believe that no, not really. Yes, I for me, once I started really focusing on my relationship with God, and since I was in the middle of nowhere and I had no other like relationships that I was trying to like pour into so much, I in order not to be alone, you know, I realized, well, first I heard this video once, and this lady she was saying that she allowed God to fill the roles that she was lacking. So in her case, she was feeling that with a husband. She's like, I don't have a husband, so God's gonna be my husband. And to me, I'm like, that sounds weird, but I can see what you're saying. And so for my case, I was like, I don't have any friends, so I'm gonna let God be my best friend. And so I just started talking to him all the time. Like instead of just, you know, we just talk to ourselves, instead of just doing that, I would take that time to have this constant prayer with God and just talk to him all the time and let him fill that void in my life. Everything that I was lacking, I was like, Okay, God, we could fill. And then that's where the most joy came from because I felt like I was lacking so much because you're pulling out of the church, you're losing this community, you're in the middle of nowhere, you're hard to find new community, and then your family, like extended family, they're like, What are you guys doing? And so it's just a very lonely part of life. But I but God used that to help me to realize, no, I I'm all you need. And that was that's what was like the biggest game changer for me, just really knowing that. And then once I had my identity in Christ, I my confidence just became so much more because everything I did, I'm like, he's behind me, he's back for me. Everything I do is for his to go back to the back. BYU Idaho. So normally like tell us about that, whatever it is.

SPEAKER_03 24:46

Backtracking a little. Okay, so you removed your records.

SPEAKER_02 24:55

And that's what helped me to be able to, I don't know, anything I do. I'm like, if God wants me to do it, that's all I need.

SPEAKER_01 25:01

And that's that's what helped me the most. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, that yes.

SPEAKER_02 25:27

So in that little 18, that was the little 18-month mission, being alone, being refined, learning all this stuff. And in that time, God, he, you know, people procrastinate. So for about a year, he was really telling me and working on me, like, you need to remove your records, you need to remove your records. And I was like, but why? I don't, it's such a big decision, you know, and to just completely pull out of something you grew up in, even though you're like, okay, I don't really believe it, like a lot of it anymore. So it doesn't really make sense to stay a member, but why do I have to? And so God told me that there is a reason, just trust me. I'm like, okay, I'll do that. And so eventually I did remove my records, and then we moved to Florida, and then I applied to the Pathways program because I was like, I thought they were the same thing, you know. I'm like, okay, I could finish my degree, I only have 17 credits left. I'll just finish through pathways. So I get an endorsement through them, and they don't have like an ex-member box to check, it's just member or non-member. So I'm like, okay, non-member, you know. And so, and they never asked. And so I got my endorsement through them, and then I was like, why am I doing this? I'll just finish BYUI online. So I reapply to BYUI, I get accepted, and then my my brother, he's going, my older brother, he's going to school up there, and he's telling me, just come come back, come, come, come and be with me before I graduate, because this is the last time we'll be able to be in college together. I was like, I don't know. I don't know about that. And so I I pray to God, I'm like, okay, the only way I'm going back is if I live at this one complex, because I tried all the others and it at BYUI, each complex has a very different culture. And so I was like, this is the only way. And I thought I was being all smart because they sell out and it's hard to get a lease there. So I was like, ha, you're not gonna make that happen, you know. But it's also like if you do, then I know that it that I'm supposed to go back. And so, like, and my brother, he told me, he's like, I will fly down and drive with you to back to school. I'm like, I don't know, we'll see. And so it's five days before the semester started, and I I'm outside on our little patio and I'm praying. I'm like, what do I do? And so, right as I decide no, my brother calls me and he's like, Guess where we have a lease for you? And I was like, No. And so I was like, okay, I took that as my answer, and I drove with him. He booked a ticket. We got there like the day before school starts. It's like a three-day drive from Florida, and that's how I got there, and then I kind of flew under the radar for a little while. Um, I got it was you have to get another endorsement in between semesters, and so I needed another one. And so I called the chaplain and I'm like, hey, I need another endorsement. He's like, Okay, we just do it over the phone. I'm like, sweet. And so then he gave me an endorsement, but I think he might have seen that I had left the church. And so on Halloween, I get a call and they're like, Your endorsement's been withdrawn, and you have like 14 days to move out of your housing, get everything in order, and leave the school. And I was like, What? I didn't do anything wrong. And so, like, my thoughts kind of went there. Like, is it because I left the church? But um, but it didn't make sense to me because I'm like, I was accepted as an ex-member. But I kind of suspected because like that's like the only thing it could be. And so they sent me this email with a letter of basically being expelled and with a link to see the reasons why. So I go to the link and it says, if you've been excommunicated, disfellowshipped, or removed your records, you are no longer in good standing of the honor code. And I was like, Oh. And so I called the dean or the office and I set an appointment for the next day, and I was like, I was so determined. I'm like, God brought me here. I know I'm supposed to be here. This has to like, this has to work out or something. I don't know. And if it doesn't, well, we'll see. But I go all out and I make this PowerPoint of all the reasons why I want to stay, why they should let me stay, why it's good for both of us. And I meet with the dean, and he's super nice. And he first just asks like about me, and I just tell him a little bit about myself, and he's like, What brings you here? I'm like, so I left the church and I'm getting expelled, but I didn't do anything, but I got accepted as a former member, and so he immediately wanted to help me and it was super, super nice and super great guy. And he wasn't sure exactly what he could do because they've never had a case like this. They've never had someone just kind of accidentally get accepted, and so yeah, and so what I was asking, because I had one semester left after the semester I was in to before I could get my associates. And so that semester, he's like, okay, there's no problem there. You'll at least be able to finish the semester here because that decision's up to me. And then you just might have to move out of your housing. And I was like, no, but that was like where I said I'd live if I came back. Like that was the deal with God. So um, and but then he's like, the second semester is kind of a unheard-of gray area. No one's ever asked, no one's ever done it. And so he's like, I can take it to the board of trustees and we can see what we can do. You might have to finish online, you might have to move out of your housing. And so I told him, like, I really want to stay in my housing. And um, I want to stay on in person because there's this professor that I had last time I was there that I really wanted to take uh the second writing class that you had to take from. And so he told me, he's like, Yeah, he's like, I'll see what I can do and I'll get back to you over the weekend. I'm like, okay. Um, but then this is when before around this time, I was like, I was so nervous. I told him, I was so nervous. I even made a PowerPoint of why I should stay or why I want to stay. And he's like, Really? Let's see it. And so I show it to him, and it had basically everything we've already talked about on it. And then he asked for it to show to the board. And I was like, okay. So I send him my PowerPoint, and that's what he uses to advocate for me to stay an extra semester. So over the weekend he calls me, he's like, Well, don't worry, we're figuring it out. And then the next day he texts me, he's like, Okay, come and meet with me. Good news. I'm like, okay. And so I meet with him and he says, Okay, you're set, you're good. I'm like, what? That's it. He's like, Yeah, you can stay in your housing, you can, you can um, you know, stay on campus, but you'll just make sure she's not teaching people about polygamy or okay, and he's like, the main thing is that we just meet on occasion and just so I can see how you're doing. And then he asked if he could tell the stake president over the area I was in. And I was like, sure, I'll cooperate. And um, so he does, and I signed a thing saying you could tell the stake president. Um, I think so.

SPEAKER_03 32:48

Tell us a little bit about make sure I was okay, but at the same time, they're probably out of the church, but please keep an eye on the home. Did you go to church? Did people know you were out of the church? Tell us about that.

SPEAKER_02 32:58

Yes, and like that was not my goal at all while while I was there. I was mostly there just to get my associates and hang out with my brother. That was basically my two goals. And so while I was there, I also made a lot of friends because I was like, if I'm gonna be here, I'm just gonna make this as good of an experience as I possibly can. And so that's what I did. I just went and talked to people, made a lot of friends, and it was a really good experience. So the first semester, I was not telling anybody. I was very scared. The first like the drive there. That was one of the reasons I was like, I don't know if I can go back. I don't know what it's gonna be like. Because what if it comes up? And I just I you know it's hard when people are just mean to you for no reason if they don't understand, or so that's what I was kind of preparing for. I was preparing for that if it came up. So that first semester, I just completely flew under the radar because honestly, you wouldn't be able to tell just by looking at me because I'd follow all the standards anyway, even if I didn't have to, like I didn't really drink, I didn't drink coffee while I was there because I was like, I don't, you know, I was like, I'm just gonna be very respectful. I'm here on like their terms and everything, and I don't want to like ruffle feathers or anything. I'm just I'm here to get my associates, and that was like my goal. And so that first semester didn't tell anybody. Um, and then but maybe I did tell like a couple people I worked with, but they also had left and were not going to school. So those are like the few people I did tell. And then the second semester, I want my goal was to tell people and be more open and honest about it because I was like, what do I lose? I'm graduating, you know, I'll be out of here. And I don't know. I just was I thought it'd be fun to have both experiences, one as the kind of where no one knew, and then one where I was more open about it. But by three weeks in, I wasn't telling anybody, and I was like, How do I bring this up? How does this just come up? Like, oh, by the way, I left. And so, but yeah, then one Sunday, it was the third, third Sunday, and my I would still go to church for like the social aspect, not all the time, but um, I don't know, you still love the people. Like, I didn't see anybody differently. I feel like God very much prepared me to go to BYUI. Like I was so close with God that I didn't see anybody differently. I and after I started being there, I had like no fear, but I would get this anxiety when it started to come up. Um, so I go to church with my roommate because she's like, Are you gonna come? And it's like 10 minutes till it starts. I'm like, I guess, I guess. And so I go and they started doing this program up there where they'll let a student be the second counselor in the bishopric. And up there, they also do FHE. They pair a girl's apartment and a guy's apartment in the ward, and you guys just hang out once a week. Um, and so that semester before, the second counselor was in my FHE. And so I knew him, and he comes up to me after church and he's like, We would like to offer he said, we would like to offer you a calling or extend a calling. I was like, and this is in the room full of everybody, and so I like turn, I'm like, I'm not a member. And he was like, We know. I'm like, what do you mean? You're like, you can't offer callings to like people who aren't members, and he's like, You just already do so much in the ward, and we just wanted to extend the calling, like, so if you wanted the opportunity to serve, so I was like, Okay, and it was like FHE committee, and so I didn't really have to do much for that anyway, because you know at those singles wards, they run out of callings. Um but and so I was like, sure. And then the bishop he comes up to me, he's like, Would you can you come talk to me after church? I'm like, okay. And so I go and I talk to him, and he's a very sweet guy, he has a very big heart, and he he just wanted to, he was a little slight to it because he was like, I just want to make sure you were okay and that you know about not being able to continue at school. And I was like, Yeah, like I yeah, I figured this all out like last semester, but I appreciate you like reaching out and trying to like make sure I'm okay. And he's just very big heart, he just loves all like everyone in the ward, he's a very good guy. Um, but then as I'm leaving, he's like, and your roommate might know. And I was like, What do you mean? What do you mean she might know? And I kind of get a little panicked. I'm like, like, does that mean you told her? And so I go home and I'm in my room with her, and I sit down and I'm like, I have something I need to tell you, but I think you might already know. And she was like, I already know. And so she like gives me a hug and we're crying and she's asking me questions, and like it was very good. I was worried because she's very like, she's very, she's a very good girl, and she's very innocent, very much in the church, and so I wasn't I knew she wasn't gonna be mad at me, but I you know, you're like, I kept this from you. Are you gonna be angry that I didn't tell you, even though like we only met a few months ago, you know, but we were very tight very fast, and so I was very scared to tell her. And then it just ended up being really good. And honestly, if the bishop didn't tell her, or he actually did also tell the everyone in leadership positions in the war that I wasn't too happy about. I was like, You told what? I was like, because you know you like to know who knows. And now a lot of people I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 38:41

It's very interesting to me that so I was a little the leadership is very secret, it ended up being okay, and I feel like but if you've left the church, they're like it's out of my control.

SPEAKER_02 38:50

I'm not gonna be upset about it. I'm just gonna it's like all right, that's interesting.

SPEAKER_03 38:55

And so we know even my dad's we know that everybody knows everything. Every family knows everything.

SPEAKER_02 39:01

Everyone that I can tell that's just come in normal and to my life. It's very interesting how people found out.

SPEAKER_03 39:08

But it's already coming out that I was like, I'm gonna put forth you don't need to have secrets at all ever because I think there's power in bringing things into the light. So I think God used that in your story so that then you can be more yourself and be more true to what you know to be true.

SPEAKER_01 39:35

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 40:00

Exactly, because it did affect me while I was there, and I didn't think it would, because I'm like, I'm so tight with Gog, we're gonna be fine. But it was hard because you can't be fully authentic because you're not s saying what you really believe, and you're kind of just keeping it all to yourself, and you don't really have anyone to talk to about it. Like I'd call my mom and my dad, but like I had no one to really connect to over this. I did have one coworker that I talked to about it quite a bit, but that was like about it. And so I feel like that did put like a weight on me, and it kind of it affected me afterwards, and so I just had to like take some time to recover from that. But I feel like God did definitely did use that because like members always think ex-members are out there to get them or hurt their faith, or you know, they just have this that they're all bitter and angry, and then former members always think that members are just gonna be mean and judgmental towards them. And so I feel like this was very healing for everyone that I met and for me, that people aren't just gonna be mean to you. And like it once I feel like it helped too, once they knew me already and knew who I was, they're like, Oh, like we still love you. Like, once I the more people I told, I was surprised because everyone was just more intrigued. They're like, really? And they just asked me a little bit about it. And I'd be surprised when they'd ask me about it. I'm like, oh, okay. But it ends up being really good. And I ended up telling one of my, well, a few professors. They were, I like, God put all the right people in my life those two semesters. It was very his hand was in everything. I had all the best professors, like that second semester, that professor that I wanted to take that class from, he had said something one class, and I really looked up to this professor last time I was there, and he's really funny. He's really great, very chill guy. And he had said something about his mission before um that he went on, and it allowed me to feel comfortable telling him. And so after class, I went and told him, like, oh, by the way, like I appreciate what you said. I actually left too. And it worked out because that next class, he's like, Okay, this last assignment is you have to pick a question at issue and take a stance on it. It's a research paper. And I was like, I have I knew exactly what I wanted to write it about. I'm like, why former members should be allowed to go to school here? And so I go up to him after class, and he wasn't even actually like expecting us to have a topic yet. He was just like putting it out there, getting us to start thinking about it. And so I go up and I'm like, Can I write it? Can I write about this? He was like, Yeah, go for it. I swear any other professor there would have said no. They're like, no. But he was so chill about it. And so since I had 17 credits and I split it in half, I think I only had eight that semester. So that was really my main focus. And I went off on this paper, and like I came up with everything that I could think of, um, any point of why we should be allowed. And like I brought in scriptures, I interviewed the dean, and then I interviewed professors, and then one of the professors, he's like, You should interview the lawyer. And I was like, I can do that. And so I interviewed the school's lawyer and I interviewed my friends, and I'm like, How did this affect you? And all these things. And I write this paper about it. And at the end of the semester, when you're like, you know, giving gifts when you're graduating, and I gave um some little gifts to my uh professors, and I gave one to the dean. And when I met with him, he's like, Do you want to meet with the president of the school? I was like, What? Like you and your family? I'm like, sure. He's like, he was a big part of why you were able to stay. I was like, that'd be cool. And so then on graduation day, my whole family, like my my brother, my mom, my parents, they all came in for graduation. We all meet with him. And I didn't think about it immediately, but I was like, oh my gosh, I could print out my paper and I can give it to him. And so I do. At the end of the meeting, we're just all talking, he's just getting to know us, he's just being super. Nice. And at the end of the meeting, he says, Um, he's like, if there's anything that I can do for you guys, just let me know. And I was like, actually, I give my my paper. I'm like, I wrote this on why former members should be allowed to go to school here. And I it would mean a lot if you could read it. And he's like, Oh, yeah, for sure. And he was so enthusiastic about it. I was surprised. And then, yeah, and so he took it and he's like, Look at you giving us homework. And I was like, you know. And so I check up with the dean because the dean read it too, and he said it was really good. And I was like, sweet. I love how it in a way. I wanted to advocated for yourself, like the school time. Members and non-members feel comfortable. I'm gonna advocate for self-volution.

SPEAKER_03 44:45

I think I'm allowed to make my own choices without anyone in between believing God. And I just love how you advocated that's a good thing. All the way along because all of us have that freedom, and I think that's great that you can put that forward in the college. But really, not really allowed to like do anything outside of that.

SPEAKER_02 45:04

I was like, okay.

SPEAKER_01 45:06

But yeah, this is a really cool thing. Thank you. Yeah. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 45:38

And it was very everyone I told about this policy, no one knew about it. No one knows that former members of the tell my friends. Okay, so let's try to tell professors there. So you did end up graduating from BYU Idaho, right? Awesome. And I realized that's really cool with all that you've been to that for. So then, like, so what inspired Instagram channel because you went from basically having to kind of be like this like doesn't know what to do with it.

SPEAKER_03 46:05

I don't know, underground here to okay, here's me, like on the internet for everyone to see what made you decide to bought up a little bit more.

SPEAKER_01 46:22

Okay. Yes, with my associate. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 46:57

Like one is when they realize their whole world is falling apart. I didn't want to talk about it at all. I wanted to just like I was learning it, but I just wanted to move past it. I'm like, okay, this is in the past now. I want to move forward. I don't want to stay in the past. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want anything to do with the church. And so I feel like that was very good for me that we moved to Florida because we're far away from all that culture and we're exposed to the like a very Christian culture. And so it was kind of a break from all of that. And so that prepared me to come back to BYUI. So I had a little break. So I wasn't so like, I'm done with the church. I was prepared and like, okay. And God has worked with me to just have this love for everybody, you know, got like this Christ-like love where you just love everybody no matter what, and you don't see them as different. And so he prepared me for that. But when I was there, I felt, you know, pretty suppressed. I couldn't like talk about things. And I didn't really want to either because I didn't want to hurt people, I didn't want to affect people's testimonies. I was like, if God wants me to say something, I will. People ask me, I'll say something. I don't want to lie either. And so after that, I feel like I was pretty, I didn't want to talk about it, and then I couldn't talk about it. And then after not being able to talk about it, I just kind of exploded and I just started posting about it. And honestly, it started with one reel. I just did one reel on Instagram and just for fun, I don't even know. And it just kind of it didn't like blow up, but it just started like a it lit a little fire in me and in this account, and it showed me a need that needed to be filled, you know, see a need, fill a need. And so I started posting and sharing what I thought, sharing my journey. And I just I just liked making videos. I thought it was fun. And I also realized, because in my case, I was very alone when I was going through it all. And I didn't really feel like there was anybody out there like me. I felt so different, even from other people who've left the church, because everyone goes such different directions. And I was like, I'm just alone. I'm the only one. So I started posting also find people to open up. Who are like that. Like we need a place where we can openly talk about it.

SPEAKER_03 49:15

And we're really connecting with people on our points of humanity. So then we're able to do that.

SPEAKER_02 49:22

We started posting and to just share dialogue, talk about things. We don't have to be hateful about it. I can say what I think, you can say what you think, and that's fine. We don't have to agree, but like we don't have to be rude about our disagreements either.

SPEAKER_01 49:37

And so that was a big part of it, too.

SPEAKER_03 49:45

And I think we're in such a rare place in our position, too, because there's a huge ex-Mormon community that, you know, they're throwing away the morals, they're throwing away all of the good that that was a part of our upbringing. And then they turn to almost like a very liberal stance on things. And so I appreciate your page in that. People have got different ideas, they're not like, oh, I left the church come together and doing all these things that are terrible, you know.

SPEAKER_01 50:50

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 50:52

And that's another thing I wanted to share too, is like you can leave the church, but you don't need to leave God. They're two very different things, and people often put them right together. And my I realized when I was leaving, I'm like, oh, my loyalty is to God. It's not too an order. That sounds very strange. And when you get so close to God, you naturally just want to do it.

SPEAKER_03 51:13

I'm choosing to live these morals. There's no institution. There's no moral good, there's no personality. So there's no freedom now. It's just feeling that I'm not going to be able to do that.

SPEAKER_02 51:23

This is what I'm choosing to do for myself. And it feels like people in the church they choose to be able to do that.

SPEAKER_03 51:28

There's no institution like holding you up to be holding you to the life that you want to live and pursue.

SPEAKER_01 51:41

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Exactly.

unknown 52:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 52:09

And you're gonna figure out so much. Like everyone should be able to do it.

SPEAKER_03 52:12

So how do you find clarity in your life now after all these things been through in college and being just between you and God? In an LDS college and all the things that you and the word of wisdom. How do you find clarity in your life?

SPEAKER_02 52:22

Like figuring that out when we're learning, or like, okay, wait, is coffee and tea still bad? And so, you know, and so like, no, I'll drink like coffee and tea on occasion, but like I still don't drink alcohol, you know, it's just like finding that, like learning and figuring it out with God and letting him guide you on what is right for you. I'd say just try it continually continually trying to get close to God every single day and just putting Him first because when I don't do that, when I have periods where I get too busy where I'm not putting as much effort into praying or keeping that open connection, then I you start to kind of, you know, you don't feel this connection as much, and you start to kind of, I don't know, I feel like you lose that joy that comes with knowing God and having him with you all the time. And so knowing God, putting him first, making him your best friend daily, choosing him, like putting in that time. Because I feel like when I was at BYU Idaho, another thing, I got so busy that it was hard to give him that extra time. And it's very easy to just kind of let him. I love that you said meet God keeping it. You're like, oh, he's there. I love that. I have this great connection. Everybody should be able to do that. Then you get so busy you forget God. Or having that open connection, or you can't do it. Thank you so much, Belle, for coming on the podcast. Because how do you get to know someone better? You spend more time with them. And so the biggest thing is just when you know God, he shows you and teaches you and puts you where you're supposed to be, and you learn what you need to know when you're ready for it. And that's been the biggest clarity that I've been given.